Diary of a what used to be a broken soul

I SHOULDN'T BE TALKING ABOUT THIS :'(

Hi. Call me Fria and I am the saddest girl on the planet right now. I want my buttercookies. I have trouble sleeping these days, and yup I frickin' am in hell right now.


I want my chocolate kisses and mallows.
I want my ice cream and mango shake.
I want my strappy sandals.
I want my tent and camping gear.
I want my ebooks and MacPro.


Fairygodmother, can you bring me these?

Date:  Three Weeks Ago  
I stopped my tears from dropping and I told myself , I'm gonna be strong! I've walked a thousand miles already, but until now, I cannot truly comprehend why no one have been there beside me always. How I wish life is as simple as those in a children's book. Never a conflict that cannot be resolved by a handsome prince. When will I be rescued? Have I been rescued? Why is it that until now, I still do not know where to go. Or where have I been and why I am here now looking forlorn and lost when I shouldn't be?



Despite my seemingly nonexistence, I learned a lot these past few years, through my fake smiles and unseen tears. Friends aren't always forever as love doesn't always last. I crumbled and fall, and no matter how I try not to break down, I did at some point. I truly respect those people who stay strong when they have every right to break down. They are definitely way ahead of me in that department. What is wrong with me?

Date: November 15, 2011 
It's hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone if your heart still does. And it's hard as well to stop falling for someone if that person's smile touches your sullen heart. I have been lucky to garner a lot of smiles. Not lucky enough though, it can't totally heal my broken heart. Until now, at my not-so-young age, I still am confused why I am feeling this way. I fall easily. I cry easily. I get hurt easily. Just one smile and my world will lighten up. All I want is someone who will stay no matter how hard it is to be with me. And I might have that now. Might... because I can never know for sure, right? No one is ever sure of the future. 

Date: November 17, 2011
I looked around. Familiar faces. New acquaintances. Budding friendship. Progressing work life. I still am torn because of too many job offers. But I am beginning to like the people I work with. I love the campaign I am with. I might not like the benefits as it wasn't sufficient enough in comparison to what I should be getting; I love learning and this work is good for me. It will satisfy my curious mind. I hope it will be as stable as the 'day and night'. 





A particular face appeared. 
An exchange of smile and glances. 
A heartbeat missing its routine. 
A smile painted in my lips.
A wonderful day!

Date: November 21, 2011 

I cried today. My heart bled. Tears fell, I cried silently. I hope no one suspected I did. If they look me in the eye, they will know. No one tried to even ask if I'm okay. So, I guess, they don't care really. I had my heart broken because of something I could have prevented. I was late in work. I was never late. I lived until today and I have never been late. Just now. And it made my heart cry. I was feeling so alone, so inadequate, so unloved. And whenever I am in pain, I tend to see people around me as my oppressor. I tend to see judging eyes breaking me into pieces. I was breaking inside. I can't scream no matter how I wanted. I cannot cry out loud to express the pains. I can't even let the tears flood down as it will ruin my face and will catch attention. But I did however noticed that a seatmate paid attention to me.

In a way, I am grateful he was there. He served as a catalyst to my heart's impending doom. He smiled as if sending me a message that everything will be alright. He said life should be easy and I should not worry. He does not know that my life was never easy even if it should be. He never asked if I cried. I suspect he knew but gladly he did not ask. I might have poured down if he did. 

When the shift ended, I hurried to the locker to get my things. I was staring into a blank wall for God knows how long, and she was in queue behind me. I didn't realize she was staring at my eyes. She said that the color of my irises are nice. She even thought I was wearing contact lenses as my irises are soft brown and looked teary. I told her I wasn't and it's natural. (OMG). She also said that the color of my eyes are like my soul. It looked so lonely, so forlorn and wanting to cry. Somehow, she got it right. I was forlorn. I am. I think I can never truly be happy all the time. Though I wish I could be. 






Date: November 22, 2011
Someone smiled, again, at me. I smiled back. He won't stop smiling. I can't stop smiling as well. This can't be. But I am happier now and I'm glad that someone made me smile.

Date: November 23rd
Another day. Another smile. Heart skipping a beat. Every thing looked sunny.  Looking forward to tomorrow.

Date: November 24th (4am)
My mind is awake, my body is not. I found myself in front of my computer. My fingers seemed to develop a mind of its own, typing down notes of yesterday. 



I feel that sometimes, nobody's ever held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It’s like I say, "Oh I'm fine", and I walk away,
and nobody has ever said "No you're not."  And just few days ago, someone told me I should think differently coz life is easy. It is getting easier somehow. I'm glad. And I am thankful for that wonderful smile that changed my day. 

to be continued... x0x0 Fria



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When I'm with you, time slows down to a stop, all i can see is your smile, and all i can notice is my heart skipping a beat. i sure think yours skipped a beat as well.  :) 
-evil laughter-


Okay. Fine. Not a goodbye. I feel like typing it a little longer. Just a little bit. You have been running in my mind for days.


waaaaaaaaaaaaaah, nothing else to say, so yeah, bye. For now.
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